Random

To: Mr. N.

How I wish it was you. I wish you were the one I got to fall in love with. How I wish I let you court me. I wish you seriously made me so special.

I wish you didn't make me cry. I wish you really pursue me. I wish you take good care of me.  I wish you didn't hurt me at times. I wish you really prove that you love me. I wish you didn't hesitate to give me love. How I wish I can turn my love to you.

How I wish you can turn my love to you. How I wish you were the one whom I fell in love with.

But it was not you.

I tried to weigh the feeling to you. I tried to talk to you more. I tried to love you. I tried to fall in love with you. I really tried. But I just made myself stupid. I can't force myself to love you even more. I can't force myself to fall in love with you.

I am now LOST in LOVE. I don't know seriously what is happening to me. I don't know if you can wait anymore. But your decision will just be fine for me. I will accept it wholeheartedly. I will surely understand if you will not talk to me anymore. I don't know how will you take this confession but this is true. I'm not sure with my feelings anymore. 

Weird but yes, its true.

I like you but liking you isn't enough.

Maybe I love you but I'm not in love with you.

And for me, it is a big mistake to not fall in love with you.

If only I fell in love with you first, I'm sorry.

You don't have to find another because I know for sure that someone will come who is better than me.

You don't have to wait anymore. It's your decision to stay or leave.

I'm sincerely sorry. I'm sorry if I lied to you. I'm sorry for I am not good enough for you. I'm sorry if I made you wait for nothing. But seriously, it's not planned.

I said before that I like you. And if I don't like you anymore, it's that I like you more.

At first, I really like you. I seriously thought that you are the man for me. I thought you're the one. I thought we're really match for each other. I don't know if we have the chance.

You don't deserve me. I just want you to know that I tried and wanted to stop it but I can't and I didn't.

I'm sorry. Now, I can't get out anymore.

I don't know if I can. Do you think there's hope? Do you think you can still love me? Do you think you can still wait? Can you accept this other pesonality of mine? Can you accept this hidden character inside me? Only you can answer that.

I'm sorry. I just can't take it. I'm so ashamed. I'm seriously bad. I'm not good enough for you. I'm not the right person for you.

I am not the right woman for a man like you.

I'm just hoping that we'll be fine. I hope everything will just be fine.

For now, I want to find myself. I want to find the real me. The real me. The real one who is completely me. I am completely lost right now. I don't know why God is giving me this. I don't know what to do. I can't help myself.

I'm seriously having a hard time.

I want to find answers to my questions. I want to correct the mistakes in my life. I want to make everything alright. I want to be just me.

I am seriously not fine. I'm not okay. It's not easy. I'm really confused. I'm sad. I want to leave. I want to go away. I want to scream. I want to let go. I want to cry. I want to be fine. I want to be okay. I really want to.

I can't text/chat you for now. But you can text/chat me. I'll be happy to read your messages. I'm sorry if I will not reply.

But if you choose to move on and forget about me, I'll understand. Like what I said, maybe you don't deserve me. If then, you're meant for another else. And I'll be sincerely happy for you.

It's really nice to like and love you. The moments we shared and times we've been together will be forever in my deep memory. The pictures taken will never fade for I kept all of it.

If you don't believe I like and love you, I will not entertain you in the first place. I let you wait because there's really something in you. I saw different kind of man in you. I will not cry for you. And I will not forgive you for the hurt you gave me. 

So please believe me. I really do liked and loved you.

I know no matter where life takes me to, a part of me will always be with you.

It's painful knowing the needed answer to the question but it's hard to say for I'm not sure if it is the right or wrong answer.

-- Kwene.