Random

To: Mr. N.

I don't know what really is to say but I want to send this message to you.

There are so many why's and what if's going on my mind. Why did it happened so fast? What happened? We're okay but things turned out so suddenly.

Seriously, I don't know about the said picture. I don't know it was captured. But there's nothing about it. I just let him do it because he's a friend. He is your friend.

I already forgave him and I'll forget about it. But it will take time. I also treat him as my friend and I want us to be just okay. Let's just forget about it.

I know the sudden burst of your feelings. I understand it.

He knows his fault about what happened. I can feel it. I want us to be okay. I hope you two will be okay because that's more important. He's more important than me.

You've known each other so well, for several years, but the time was not right when it happened. You don't look good that time that's why you reacted like that.

I tried to understand and I understood your situation. He made the mistake and it so hard for me to think about it and I used to cry. I cried for several times since that day.

At first, I don't know why I'm acting like this. All I know is there are issues that I am involved to. And that issues haunt me badly.

As for you know, I'm weak. I'm so fragile. I keep on thinking about what happened. Did I do wrong? Is it my bad? I always feel the sadness and hurt. You don't know what I suffered much before.

I always act weirdly but that's a different story. There are so many things that you don't want to know about how I wanted to disappear in the world at times.

I'm not good at pretending that's why I can't help myself but to cry. I admit that I'm such a crybaby. And I'm used to it. It's just so hard to control my feelings.

If I'm sad, I feelt it badly. I don't know how to be okay at first. That's why it's so hard for me to smile and be happy. It takes time. It takes so much time.

I know part of what happened is my fault. I let it happened. I'm sorry. I know it hurt you. You said you're jealous. And you don't want the feeling.

I'm really sorry. It's not intentionally. Because me, myself don't know what happened that day and how the picture went out.

And because of how you looked that day, it made you feel such things. You have the right to be angry and jealous for what happened because I know you have the deep feelings for me.

I understand. I know that there is no assurance. I thought you understand that I'm not ready. I'm sorry. But I let you talk to me. We text and chat. You gave me things. But you're not courting. I admitted that you're okay for me. I just let you do it because I know you sincerely have the affection. 

You made me special. I'm so much thankful because you really have the effort. And in that way, I used to see you as a man. Since then, I do like you because I know you and others also said many good things about you. I care and support you at times. 

You said that you will wait. I hold on to that.

Let's see if you can wait. As I always said, "Right time. God's plan. God's will."

But you just said it. You never promise. Seriously, you decided so fast. You don't want to get hurt. And I don't want someone to feel that because of me.

So you said that you will distance yourself to me. It just mean that you will not wait anymore. I'm a human and I felt bad about it.

Maybe you know what I mean about how I feel. Maybe the time was so wrong. Maybe just maybe. It's not the right time for us for now.

I said before that I like you for now and if I don't like you anymore, it's just I like you more.

That's weird. It's fading. It's a different story now. I just want you to know that if you're hurting, I am also.

I'm a woman. I have a weak heart. And it's my first time to cry for what happened which involve to guys. That's very new to me. I want to think more and deeper.

Let's take our time. There may come changes for us. But I want you to be okay. Don't think about it so much. I'll do the same. I understand how you feel. I don't know you so well but I know you at least for the times we used to share about who we are to each other.

If you can't wait anymore, I'll accept it. If it will make you happy and you will be happy enough just let it happen. As what I said before, it's your decision.

I will not beg you to stay to me. As long as you don't want the feeling, you can always go. There's no assurance. I'm sorry, I still can't gave it.

You're a friend. But you're something.

You're still a friend. So, if one day you wake up that you don't have the feelings to me, just let it be.

If it's meant to be, it will be. It just mean that you'll be better with someone else. Choose your happiness.

But still, it's not easy to get things right away. I always remember what someone said to me about love. "Love is happiness, pain and lesson."

That's the summarized meaning as he quoted. Life goes on and I want us to focus for what we need right now.

We will soon graduate. Let's just have the focus. Your feelings to me will stay if it choose to stay.

But there is also a possibility to change. Love will always find its way to come to everyone. If it will, it will. Let's not be serious about it for now.

Actually, I don't know how I will react when it comes to you. When you're around, when I see you and when you're just there.

We can't deny the fact that we will really see each other because we're both writers and we're schoolmates. We're not really close at person and that's fine with me.

I just want to say sorry too to your friends about what happened. I know I hurt you. Whenever I see them, I looked away.

I'm sorry. I'm shy for what happened. I know you will say that it's not my fault but I'm part of it. And I have the right to say that because I sincerely feel sorry. I'm still hurting and I can't help myself to cry.

But I can still smile and talk to you. I can reply to you. I want us to be okay. I hope you'll be okay. Please be fine. I'm trying to be okay. I'm on my way.

Let's talk when right time comes. For now, it's a letter of how I feel. Don't mind me so much. Don't think so much. I'll be okay. 

Don't feel bad for yourself. Don't cry. Please, don't. Everything will be okay. I know you have so many things to do and accomplish this year and I don't want to distract you.

But I'm still here to support you. You can do it.

Take care of yourself always. God bless you. 

-- Kwene.