Random

This is really the end.

I don't know that the next farewell that I will do would be to you.

My heart is seriously breaking with so much pain and hurt.

I don't know first love would be this painful. It was all my fault. It was my fault that we are experiencing this pain and heartbreak. It was my fault that we are on this point. Everything was my fault. I can't fight with you anymore. I'm really sorry.

I'm happy that I met you. I'm happy that we became friends. I'm happy with you. I'm happy that I love you.

But I'm not happy anymore. I'm not happy to fight for you. All that I feel is pain, hurt and sadness. I don't have the strength. I don't have the courage. I love you but I can't love you right. Because it is not right in the first place.

February 27, 2019

I confessed everything because I knew and I felt that something is wrong. Something is wrong with my heart and what it felt. Everything was not right.

I really thought that time that you will let me go away. I really want to go away. I really thought that my confession will break us. I really thought that everything will change. But it turned different. You didn't want to leave me. You wanted me to stay. And you also confessed that you felt the same.

You know I also like someone. And it made me really confused.

Iloveyou because it's you. Iloveyou because you make me happy. Iloveyou because you make me laugh. Iloveyou because you make me smile. Iloveyou because you make me sad. Iloveyou because you make me cry. Iloveyou because you're so clingy to me. Iloveyou because you're so attached to me. Iloveyou because you're so childish. Iloveyou because you gave me love that I wanted and needed. Iloveyou because you turned me into a better person. Iloveyou because you turned me into a brave one. Iloveyou because you let me love you. Iloveyou because you let me experienced this feeling. Iloveyou because I love you. 

I regret and don't regret everything.

Thank you for everything.

For the talks, smiles, laughs, stories, names, jokes, hugs, kisses, fights, for the relationship and for the love. Thank you for the memorable and wonderful memories. I didn't know that we will end up like this. I appreciated all your love, care, concern and efforts.

For that not much time, you gave me love, care, concern and efforts too. I'm sorry if I return it with pain, hurt and sadness right now.

I'm not really sure why God let me felt this.

And I don't want to know now because I already gave up. I gave up because I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry. 

I don't mean to hurt you but I can't help myself now. I know I'm hurting you and I don't know how and when that pain will leave you. I'm really sincerely sorry. Please start moving on now.

I know you can do it. Not now but in time.

I'm sorry, that I made you fall and leave you like this. I'm sorry, I can't be the person you want me to be. I'm sorry, you can't have me. I'm sorry, you're suffering again because love. I'm sorry, I can't fight for you anymore. I'm sorry, I'm not strong enough to fight for you. I'm sorry, I'm weak to fight for you. 

I'm sorry, I wanted to be free from you. I'm sorry, I choose to leave you. I'm sorry, I will not be there anymore. I'm sorry, I can't e with you anymore. I'm sorry, I can't do my promises anymore. I'm sorry, you believe me. I'm sorry, I broke your heart. I'm sorry, I made you sad. I'm sorry, I'm so unfair. I'm sorry, I let you feel the hurt and pain. I'm sorry, I have to let you go. I'm sorry for being so selfless. I'm sorry for this farewell. 

Free yourself from me. I'm not the one for you.

Remember when you said, you only have me? It's not true. Remember when we didn't talk, you are talking to others right? Do it. Talk with the others.

You have a lot of friends. You have them. Focus on them. If you think that I'm pushing you away, yes I am. They deserve you. You don't deserve me. You deserve better.

Create a bigger world now. 

And it's painful that I will not be a part of it. Let yourself go out with the world we made. Don't find and look for me anymore.

I'll always pray for you. I'll be silently praying, supporting and cheering for you. I'm hoping for your recovery than my recovery. I hope you'll be fine even if I don't.

I'm fine that you're my first love. It's okay that we don't have a serious relationship. I really can't give you that even if I know I like you.

I don't have the right to ask you this because I'm the one who leave you, hurt you and broke you but I want you to do this.

Please be fine. Please be okay. Please don't cry. Please be strong. Please eat on time. Please eat always, three times or more than that. Please drink more water. Please don't drink alcohol. Please don't get sick. Please be safe. Please be careful. Please don't get scars. Please take care of yourself. Please love yourself more. Please talk to others. Please be with your friends.

Please be happy. Please smile. Please don't be sad. Please let your heart be happy. Please be a better person. Please be the best person. Please pray. Please attend the holy mass. Please come back to God sincerely. Please don't be naughty. Please do this all.

I wil move on but I will never ever forget about you. I will never forget how we met and how I felt the love.

I don't deserve to be with you. I'm hoping that the right person will soon come to you. 

That right person is not me. That right person will never be me.

Please, please, don't fall in love again with me. Pretty please.

The right person will love and fight for you. The right person will not do the same as what I did. 

And I'll be happy for you then.

I love you.

Goodbye.